Tagged: Loss

Heartbreak

heartbreak

I was everything
Then nothing
All at once.

I was wanted
And rejected
Within a matter of months.

I was over
Once started
Wet forced dry…

You came
Then you left
A relationship high.

Without light
No home
Lost a path to take.

The moon
A savior
Guiding heart to break.

Enigmatic

Enigmatic

Someone unknown
While having a name . . .
Walking the mile
Assigning guilt and shame.
Performing a role
Without knowing how it’s done –
Challenging the winner
Before the game is won.
Defending a stranger
Offering means to succeed…
Not knowing the problem
But fulfilling the need.
Hearing a voice
Sensing a presence near
Required absence
Understanding clear.

Dear John

 

desireDear John
If that was your name…
A burning desire…
Will never be the same.
No hiding the truth
Or manipulating lies…
Just the need to grieve
From deep in my thighs.
In-love with the memory-
Burned by reality-
And for a moment no hope-
For something to save me.
I was good at letting go-
Before this fantasy with you-
And in this silence…
You felt the same way too.
The need to want-
Without wanting to need…
Was a moment to have-
For such personal greed.

Saving Grace

gray-final

Jon’s daily walks brought peace on difficult days, and allowed him to have at least one healthy habit. Today his walk was different. Today the walk cemented a sadness inside – instead of providing solace from a hectic world. The loss of his angel was something there was no comfort for, and even his legs felt her absence.

The love of his life, Dinah, was the flare to his fire. Her life made his worth living. Her death has made his life worth forgetting. When Dinah died suddenly from a brain aneurism last Tuesday his heart broke. How could the Lord take her away from this world? She provided no harm to it. She was the light in Jon’s life, and many others, and now the world was darker without her. Dinah was only 43 years old when she passed from a world that desperately needed her. Jon needed her to make him the best version of himself. Now he questioned whether there was a God at all. So many people with troubled souls live many years, and what God would leave them here, and take the angels away if He was real? “He wouldn’t – The devil would!” he thought.

Now he was left to travel the rest of his days alone, and with much less deserving souls than hers. He is 45 now, and will likely live until he is 90, regardless of drinking too much until he was 37, and smoking until he was 40. His diet will surely clog his arteries, but it won’t matter – his life will still go on even with a heart that barely works. Jon was angry because he knew she would choose to stay here to make the world better, and him healthier, versus becoming someone who once was. She believed in God with unbreakable certainty. Now he wonders what she would feel if her soul still existed. Life was like the skies today – gray and hopeless. No rain or lighting to accompany the cloud cover – just a gray day with no purpose in the clouds.

As he continued walking, and ranting inside, his shoes started feeling heavier and legs weaker. The weight of the world seemed to be cementing to the sole of his shoes. Feeling his pace slowing, and energy fading, he struggled to keep moving. His strength was approaching a wall without volume or shape, but it would hinder his progress as though solid and tall. “What is happening to me? What is slowing me down? ” he thought.

To the left of the long path was a green cable box, and its invited place to rest was a welcomed opportunity. Feeling thankful for long legs – he sat on the box and waited patiently for his feet to rest.

“Where are you, Dinah? I need you here.” Jon said aloud in a whisper wishing she could hear him.

Just then there was a gold beam of light behind him. The day was cool but he could feel warmth on his back. Jon turned to see the light, and it was from a small opening in the clouds allowing sunlight to touch him. Jon felt a sense of comfort instantly. He felt at peace within the moment. The expansion of rays appeared to spread wider and grace more than just an old man on a box. The dread of the day was given a break, and even the birds chirped to welcome the breach in the clouds.

“Jon, God is real and He is here. He brought me home where I am needed most. Stay strong! I am never far away.” Jon heard the words in his mind, but no sound touched his ears. It was as though his Dinah was speaking to him and giving the comfort desperately needed to keep moving. Were the rays he was seeing from Heaven the path to bring her soul home he wondered?

Energy returned quickly to his body. Jon stood up from the box with his feet finding new enthusiasm to move, and the weight that was there moments before was gone. He couldn’t help but smile to himself. “I guess her body didn’t need to be here for her work with me to continue” he thought as he smiled walking the rest of the way home.

“Thank you, God, for shutting my doubts up so quickly. Take care of her! She is special.” Jon said as he looked to the Heavens. The break in the clouds closed, and he was ready to live another day.

 

Fading Sanity

rain-lady

A faded memory now
As she lives in my dreams
But she is still alive and well
And even had a night saving me.
An angelic form she has
Where the promising spirit lives
Filled with hope and love
More life to me she had to give.
Alone in the gutter
Where all my promise was left to sit
I’m sure she was real-
For I lack the talent to have imagined it.