I don’t know why I did it, but the goal wasn’t to hurt anyone. It was a moment that deserved thinking beyond myself but I ignored it. I ignored everything that should have mattered.
My frustration had been building for months. I was lonely, empty, and on fire with a desire to feel alive again. I have spent months sleeping in a bed that is cold even when it is warm. The covers and sheets feel dirty even when fresh out of the wash. The silence in the house might as well be as loud as a train and I had no control to stop any of it. I had no power to silence it. I had nothing to fill it.
I wondered into the wet, fall night with no plan or destination. The streets were cold and shinny from a rain trying desperately to freeze. The few people out were loud only because of chattering teeth and the zipping of coats. The streets felt as lonely as my home and the air equally brisk.
I walked into a coffee shop because I knew a bar would bring trouble for me tonight, Imagine my surprise when I realized a bar would have been the smarter choice. Java Coast was a small cafe 10 miles away from my home. I ordered a white hot chocolate to warm my hands and insides without waking them up at this late hour. Within three minutes my treat was ready, and as I turned to find a seat I saw him. His eyes were piercing brown, his skin olive and polished, while his hair lavished a rich brown sheen though disheveled in style. He was watching me, and when I returned the stare, the right side of his mouth raised slightly as though to inadvertently expose his thoughts. He didn’t say a word. He just stared. Startled – I hurried past him and grabbed a table and chair in the back while half wishing I was drinking Sex on the Beach in a bar instead.
Within minutes he stood up and avoided looking in my direction. He was taking control of our encounter even though it lacked anything to control. I watched him and wondered what he was thinking, but he wasn’t going to give me anything to know. Instead he reached the door, opened his umbrella and left. I felt disappointed and terrified at the same time. What was I thinking?
Quickly I finished my hot chocolate and got up to leave only to notice him again while looking out the door to leave. He was leaning against my car and staring into the cafe – waiting for me. His breath was white against the chilled air, his face was relaxed as though to advertise patience, and his eyes were fixed on me.
Walking out I stopped about five feet away from him. It took all my energy to finally speak.
“What do you want? I am married, have children,,, Please…”
Without the ability to finish my thought he moved toward me. I felt as though someone was holding their hand against my mouth without anyone actually touching me, What was happening?
He stopped right in front of me, lifted his hands to my face to gently grasp my jaw line, and waited for my reaction calmly. I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t move. The rain was now a light snow and the jagged flakes began to coat my eyelashes as I stood there – frozen.
Finally he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were firm and purposeful. His hands were gentle but strong and in control. My body melted without moving and my need to control the moment evaporated,
“Why?” I finally whispered.
But his mouth remained mute and his eyes did all the talking. Finally he smiled and turned to leave, but I knew what he was thinking, He would be back here tomorrow.
My reality was caught in a whirlwind, and somehow this man, this stranger, knew he would get away with taking a small piece of what he wanted without asking. I didn’t know how to feel or what I felt, and I suppose that reality is as terrifying as planning this without any fear of the consequence.