A bag of needs
Without the give
Makes for a miserable
Life to live
May you find the one
As cold as you
Just as deserved
Giving just as you do.
Four eyes
Two noses
Equals a job done right…
Until morning,
And the headache,
Laminates the mistakes…
From last night.
The smell of death consumed the January morning. Not the metallic smell of human blood, but the sweet surrender of hope and dreams as life sleeps. Humans believe the slumber of nature is the source of their winter blues, but it’s really knowing that each year ends and begins sadder than the ones before. The key to craziness is to test their eyes when they are young.
Carefully I explored the neighborhood I crashed in. Lights are mostly out by 9pm, and life forms beyond the occasional cat or rodent are difficult to come by. I do know why some adults are awake though. The chosen few adults over 30, nestled by as minimal light as possible, comforted by their vice of choice. If these adults were the ones to see me, it would be such a waste. Belief in misery beyond themselves is already gone.
Carefully I tread between homes and climb quietly to upper story windows. Young children, with open eyes and big imaginations, are often in the upper level of human homes. I need the perfect child to see me. The one who looks like they showered two days ago and have not combed their hair since.
Finally, the fourteenth house on the left side of Ivory Street brings my victory. He crawled out of bed as soon as he saw my light getting closer to the window. I could see the cheap white blinds raising slowly. He sees me! I saw his jaw lower quickly with surprise. Immediately his eyes went from my face to my arm, and up to the balloon I was carrying. After several moments he was brave enough to open his window just enough to ask me a question…
“Excuse me” he asked with a high and innocent tone, “Where did you get that balloon?”
They never ask who you are. That is only happens in the movies here.
“Oh, this little thing?” I replied with my three digits pointing…. “I borrowed it from my dear friend.”
With almost no time expiring after my final word, the little boy’s breath stopped as he slammed down the window and began screaming for his parents. By the time the lights were on, and they rushed in the room, I was gone from sight. I was nice enough to leave the balloon on a limb of the front yard tree, though. It’s important that they believe that their little boy truly saw something, or the nightmare can’t be complete.
Years of counseling, and interviews with government folk, would be in this family’s future. Hypnosis would reveal he indeed saw something, but would never be clear what exactly, or who exactly, it was. People in town would always remember his name, and he would forever be known as that “crazy little boy.” He would know, and his parents would know, enough of the truth to recluse themselves from almost all public interactions for years to come. Like the others in the past, a future with the vices they choose will be forever tied to that New Year’s morning in 2022.
Yes… my routine may be cruel, but there is nothing better, then starting off a town with a New Year’s Fright, and to tie a few lives forever to one night.
2022 to Change
It’s 2022, and this year I have decided to try journaling my thoughts and ideas, starting with the first day of the year. I thought about this idea weeks or months into previous years, so here goes everything! Day one was not a huge success- I simply created a simple cover for my binder- but at least I started on day one. Today is day two and I am writing, so this is a marked improvement. Today’s inspiration is management: management of our lives, within our companies, within our government, and even the Denver Broncos. Only two days into 2022, and I can see management is clearly an issue.
For me, 2021 was a giant mess, and my life was no different. My husband got super sick, two of my four kids left my life, my parents had their struggles, and the company I work for was an equal disaster. While watching the Denver Broncos play today, I echoed the same thoughts as I had all season. The management of the Broncos is a mess, and the players, along with the fans, are the victims of the mismanagement. I also thought the same idea applied to my company… management and executives would rather blame the little people, instead of management, and therefore the lowest level of the company is the only place changes are made. My parenting skills are equally in question… I was so blinded by what I wanted to see, that I was unable to view the issues to stop them. Yes, 2021 was a year of suffering, and it was largely due to mismanagement.
I am not a complete doom and gloom kind of person- although conspiracy theorists have started to pique my interests. I am grateful that I worked for a company that allowed us to work from home when Covid hit. Working from home allowed me to help my husband recover, as well grow in knowledge despite the distance. Unfortunately, the executives are blind, and so this is simply a temporary stop in my career. It’s a shame because the company could be one of the best places to work, but the “suits” care about “suits” and sales. They fail to see where all the success comes from to appreciate anything more. If only I could say I have managed my affairs any better.
As I sit on the ladder of judgment, I wish I could say I have managed my life better, but I’ve been equally blind. I have believed the stories, and the reality my children sold to me. I managed to learn to care about my daughter’s boyfriend because he was her choice, and I ignored my inner voice. In July 2021, my oldest daughter, her boyfriend, and my youngest son gave the entire family a giant F-You. My husband and I were shocked, my youngest daughter unsurprised, and my oldest son navigated the family waters as best he could. I still don’t know the whole story to explain what happened. I only know they chose to leave us and stay away. The best part… I work at the same company as my daughter’s boyfriend- so I know the lies they are selling, and they are no better than the stories they told to me. Humans are equally blind, aren’t we? So, what should we change? What can I change?
I have no sure ideas about what changes are needed beyond my home. Personally… I need a new job, I need my husband’s health to improve, and I must except he will be permanently disabled. Getting our government to approve his disability is a whole separate obstacle. Kind of frustrating given all the people they’ve handed out money to who have not asked for it. Disability is an argument for another day, though. Instead, the argument, and the agreement, remains the same… Change is needed.
So, here is the start of my 2022 journey. I will make more time to write and see the changes needed. I will find steps forward instead of standing still. I will hope the management of other things will see the need to make changes in themselves and higher. I will hope the little people in life find a way to be seen. I will also hope my children see their own blindness – even if they stay away from me, their dad, and other family. Mourning your children, even as they live, is not a prison I would wish on anyone, and yet I live it. May the year 2022 be different for those needing different… Myself included.
To Know
Someone you know-
AND used to know-
Is a complicated mess..
You wait for time
And common sense
To get you through “this”…
It always hurts
But tears are dry
As days and months pass…
Yet it wasn’t me
Who asked for this
Or the one who made it last.
In body you are alive
And well
And that is all I know…
Still when you left
He was sick
So the loss is yours to grow.
Nobody’s
We see it
Throughout life…
Once here,
Now gone by night.
That final time,
Driving away-
When we are not there,
And now nothing to say…
Yes and the whispers
Of loss or when we met-
Pay attention…
“We’ll get you yet”
Oh but we are deaf
To snickers and snorts…
Lessons from them-
We have our retorts…
Until you start the car
To Away one last time,
From what was theirs,
And now barely mine…
It’s when you were,
Because no present is left…
And all that is left,
Are sneers and regret.
Dead Day
There are moments
When you break-
Like a vase
A shelf forsakes…
Still the shatter
Despite being strong-
All in resistance
Of what is going wrong…
And you beg
For hurt to be seen-
And hope
Of what someday will bring…
And there is a plan
So much bigger than yours-
And that knowledge
Doesn’t change what’s ignored…
Because you are human
Despite any goal-
And in some cases
Life is just a toll…
So the ground shakes
And the winds carry-
All the hopes
Or any goal of being merry..
Instead the dead
Rise from before-
Within the depths
Or covered floors…
And the demons
Have their day-
For NO Halloween
Escapes their prey.
RESPECT
I respect Dave Chappell! I also respect that some people do not appreciate his humor. I would respect if those who didn’t like his humor did what I do when I don’t like a comedian… and simply not watch him. His specials poke fun at so many different “groups” and I belong to a few of them. I appreciate how he spreads the fun/love.
I respect different views and life choices, but I don’t respect others deciding their views are more important than mine. I respect differences, but cancel culture does not; and that is the problem with it!
I’m thankful to laugh. My heart feels better when I do. Thank you, Mr. Chappell! You make me laugh! Laughs should never be cancelled.
It’s like dust
And our age,
The sour smell
But benefits of sage…
Or the healing
Within the spring-
To only break
With winter’s swing…
It’s like the rage
Of a perfect storm
Whipping the page
And breaking the norm…
It’s like marriage
Strong and true-
Only to break
Before you knew…
It’s like the scream
After the cry-
No matter the effort,
Ours are or my…
And it’s uttering
Your greatest fear
Yes a laugh
Before truth by tears…
Each day is life-
Here or not,
In the way…
An afterthought.
PenAndPaperStories 